i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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