i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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