i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
