I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
