just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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