anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
