I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
