I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
