I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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