just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
