Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
