Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
