if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
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he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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