She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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