I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
