just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
