I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
