Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
