hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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