just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
