My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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