Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
