i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
mondays should just be called national damage control day
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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