Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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