You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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