oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
