Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
