This is not my ceiling
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
