Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Is Oprah even human
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
