you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
