I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
