On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
