Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
