I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't deserve a penis
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
