I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
