I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
