Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
