look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
