it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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