Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
