I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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