Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
