i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
