i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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