i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
