I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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