May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
