dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
