This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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