I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
