if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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