I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
