I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
