This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Randomize
