Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Are we still banned from the library?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
