So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
