Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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