I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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