I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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