My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
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I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
the raccoons are back...
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