My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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