A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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