im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
